This is going to be pretty dreary, and rather intimate for me, just a warning.

For most of yesterday and today, whenever I am not actively focussing on something I will just feel… heavy.  The shootings in Orlando have not left my mind, and I think that if will be a long time before I feel “normal” again.  I keep getting drawn back into thoughts about how horrible it must be for those families right now, about how pissed off I am that this happened, and mostly I’ve been overwhelmed with the fact that it could have been me, or someone I knew.  My partner is the Vice President of GSU’s Alliance for Sexual and Gender Diversity, and through them I have met loads of queer and trans people; any of them could have been killed, easily.  It could have been me getting the call that I have lost my partner because some asshole decided that they didn’t deserve life.  Other shootings could happen, and my parents would get the call that their kid is gone.

My dad and I have recently had a falling out because of my views surrounding my own gender and sexuality, and part of the reason for this falling out is that he is terrified that I am going to be a victim.  None of his issues have anything to do with personal beliefs, but instead with fear of outsiders.  He wants me to not follow what I believe in.  He doesn’t think that it is worth fighting for, but I do.  So I might die, and I have to be willing to take that risk.  The picture that I took was important to me because I keep wondering if I should write letters to the people that are important to me, so that, in the event of a tragedy, they could know who I am and what I want.

I really like the feeling and emotion of music.  I like to feel it flow through my shoulders in a heavy, but still pleasant, way.  Purely based on my love of music, I knew that last night was going to be fun and that I was going to have a great time, but there was an added layer of personal attachment, that I felt, as soon as he (I have regretably forgotten his name) pulled out this drum.  I mentioned in my last post that my step-grandfather is Native American, but I didn’t bring up just how much so the culture and belief system had been brought into my family’s life.  Not too long after my grandparents were married, they started going to Sundance together in Michigan.  After the first time they went, my grandmother pulled me aside and asked me if I could go with them next year.  She said that she had never had such a personal and intimate connection with her place in her life; she had found herself.  I was 13 at the time, and my entire identity had been shifting around me, so I longed for this certainty in myself that my grandmother seemed to have attained.  As soon as the artist brought out that drum last night, I was transported back to that period of wondering who I was and feeling uncomfortable with myself, but still being secure in knowing that everyone around me had my back, that it didn’t matter what I was so long as I was me (and not a murderer, of course).

I don’t have a set “home” location.  I have the place I was raised, I have the place where I found solitude, and the place where I know I can thrive, but none of these places are anywhere near each other.  The place that I would say that I am most comfortable is a place where I will have to settle for less if I want a job, but the places where I know that I can achieve success in the financial sphere, but I am not confident that I will ever feel comfortable there.  I am young, so I know that I will make the best of my situation and that I will likely grow to refine my personal “home,” but it is odd to have to make that choice now.

I also lack what Ulysses praises in the photo: a sence of country.  Wyoming, on its own, is fairly anti-people so mass patriotism like what exists in the South isn’t something that I was really exposed to as a kid.  I also had the kind of odd conundrum of learning about early colonization in America around the same time that my grandmother was getting married to a Native American man who had marched with Native rights groups and had faced persecution by his government because of his race.  It was hard for me to feel like an American, when at an early age I had already felt betrayed by my country.

…is to give them a place to be alone.  Or at least this works well for me.  I happen to very much so enjoy the company of everyone I have met on this trip, but I also constantly find myself overwhelmed and just uncomfortable when I spent a good deal of time in public.  Like anything else, some days are worse than others, and today just so happened to be one of those days where I just wanted to think and be with myself.  I am fortunate enough to have the space to do this without fear of those around me reactiving in a negative manner (and thank you all for that).  Today I became very comfortable with one of my new favorite places on the University campus: my room, specifically the space near the window where I am very tempted to sit, but not bold enough to risk damaging the room.  Having this area to just sit and chill out is hugely important to my sense of okayness, and I feel like this trip might be very different for me if not for this personal area.  Right now I love with my mom, who is fantastic, but fairly overbearing, so this really is something that I appreciate.

  When I was 14, I moved from Wyoming to Georgia.  One of my first big memories was of going to the huge markets for the first time and feeling the absolute amazement and slight fear at the vastness and fast pace of the market.  I was so overwhelmed and confused at everything going on around me that I was not fully able to enjoy the markets.

I did not have that crazy feeling yesterday walking through Dublin for the first time.  I was blown away by how not-overwhelmed I was; I became comfortable with the city significantly faster than I had assumed that I would be able to.  Walking through the city just felt like something I could (and potentially should) do single day of my life from now on.  Everyone was so enjoyable, and we were having so much fun.  It became so easy to adopt the city, as well as my company.