Have you ever looked at your life and wondered, “what if?” What if you took the job you thought was too hard? What if you choose to go to a different college, or decided against college altogether? What if you said yes instead of no? The seeds of doubt you plant are normal. We all have them, especially today.
Shortly after the COVID outbreak, I began to refilter my life. I found that at the end of each day, I questioned almost everything. I’m going to be perfectly honest here, I did this before COVID, but this was different. My doubts turned into stress, and the stress turned into anxiety.
During this time, my school campus closed, and all our classes were moved online. I became an “essential worker,” and my hours increased to keep up with the flow of traffic. The problem was when I got home, instead of destressing, I began to stress more. I was alone. I was lost in my thoughts, lost in a world of the “what if’s.”
“What if my family isn’t ok?”
“What if I wouldn’t stayed in California?”
“What if I’m not safe at work…at school?”
“What if I die before accomplishing what I want?”
Many therapists have deemed this behavior as usual for essential workers. Cynthia V. Catchings, a Talkspace therapist, wrote that “the uncertainty of this reality is causing deeper loneliness but also depression and anxiety that will likely outlast the pandemic if proper help is not made available.” For me, none of this was normal.
I carried on for about a week before I suffered a full mental breakdown at work. My HR called me into her office and gave me a support number open to Target team members. At first, I thought this idea was insane. How was someone going to help me over the phone? With much doubt, I took the number and clocked out for the day.
I must’ve starred at that pink post-it for hours before dialing the number. At first, it was odd. Now, I’m a huge advocate for therapy and encourage everyone to go, but I’ve never had a phone session. The conversation was beneficial on so many levels. She went over my “what if” list and helped me lay out a plan. Each thing she said gave me an outlook that was different and beneficial. With her, I made a pack. I vowed that I would FaceTime my family to ensure that they were ok. I would discuss my concerns about feeling unsafe at work with either my HR or Store Director. Most importantly, I’d focus on the moments in front of me instead of the superficial realities of tomorrow.
After this, I’d love to say that my life became rainbows and sunshine, but the reality is that I’m human. However, I will admit my good days outweigh the bad, and in my book, that’s a win.
If you or anyone you know is suffering with suicidal thoughts please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.
1-800-273-8255
