Ayanna Cabrera
Now more often seen in literature and modern media, queer relationships have been portrayed in various lights. These depictions may fail to capture the nature of queer relationships that do not follow heteronormative standards or societal norms. However, when speaking on the nature of queer relationships it is important to consider the many important factors that define a relationship in this community and what those factors may offer to a modern heteronormative society. Introduced by Jack Halbertstam, the concept of queer failure in literature spans from the early 20th century as seen in books such as Oscar Wilde’s Picture of Dorian Gray to modern literature such as Carmen Machado’s In the Dreamhouse or Ocean Vuong’s On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous. Queer failure is most prevalent in these texts as they read of personal demise rather than personal growth in their relationships. These texts raise the question of how queer failure is nearly always present in romantic relationships and how failure have shaped the norms of a romantic connection within the community.
To grasp an understanding of queer relationships we must understand how they greatly differ from heterosexual relationships. What we can gather from history is that there has always been a set of guidelines or “rules” that a heterosexual relationship easily follows. There has always been a vast traditional understanding of how these relationships function and thrive. Traditional ideology within these relationships has created a space to undermine queer relationships and the intensity in which they differ. Within a heterosexual relationship, there has always been media or literature that defines how to navigate those dynamics. Within queer relationships, it has been a matter of creating new ideologies that fit the essence of that dynamic. For example, in modern media there is an image that the man has to “lead”. When it comes to a lesbian relationship, there is no “man”, therefore what rules do they follow if not the traditional narrative of a relationship? Queer relationships have been pushed to follow a narrative and guide they do not adhere to. When a marginalized group cannot follow traditional routes they are forced to create their own and there is space for a vastly different guide, sometimes in which there is no set guide. Thus, the concept of queer failure may become even more prevalent. In relation to the presentation of relationships and queer relationships, Jack Halberstam writes in The Queer Art of Failure , “Queer fairy tales are often organized around heroes who are in some way ‘different’ and whose differences are offensive to some larger community” (Halberstam 34).
Halberstam dives into how the media has depicted a certain image of queer relationships and how they have been continually upheld. Growing up as a queer person in a heavily heteronormative society, the expectations of a relationship could never match the expectations of a straight relationship. Due to the lack of navigation in these relationships, many queer people find themselves in undefined relationships that can be as equally abusive or taxing as a straight one but because there has been no precedent for queer relationships, these disruptions are often swept up under the rug or dismissed. In Ocean Vuong’s novel On earth we’re briefly gorgeous, he writes about the discrepancies of a queer relationship that is heavily undefined and heavily influenced by the society in which they live in and culture. Voung depicts a relationship that could fall under the very concept of queer failure. In heteronormative relationships, it is common to be open about the person you are with and it is widely acceptable. In queer relationships it is not as uncomplicated. There is a level of safety and perception that is forced to be taken into account.
Vuong enlightens the idea of queer failure in that some of these relationships struggle to be as open as they need to be in order for it to potentially thrive. “Sometimes being offered tenderness feels like the very proof that you’ve been ruined” (Vuong 119). Many queer people experience the desire for affection but simultaneously are apprehensive of it. In the novel, Vuong is the child of an immigrant and is a part of a culture that normally does not accept being gay or queer. When one is a part of a culture such as that, it is challenging to navigate personal ideologies that are entirely different from what one was raised with. Being queer and involved in your culture is a multifaceted challenge that is difficult to navigate even into adulthood. You are forced to question what you know and create what you believe is right with no certain answer. You are forced to put yourself before your traditions or continue following them at the expense of your potential happiness. You are sacrificing a part of your identity to create space for another aspect of your identity. For queer children being raised in unaccepting households, accepting affection from what you desire can be far more difficult than how they would receive affection in a straight, traditional household which also contributes to queer failure in relationships. Carmen Maria Machado touches on the struggles of being raised in a traditional household in In the Dream House as she writes:
I had a room to myself as a kid, but my mother was always quick to point out that it wasn’t my room, it was her room and I was merely permitted to occupy it. Her point, of course, was that my parents had earned everything and I was merely borrowing the space, and while this is technically true I cannot help but marvel at the singular damage of this dark idea: That my existence as a child was a kind of debt and nothing, no matter how small, was mine. That no space was truly private; anything of mine could be forfeited at someone else’s whim. (Machado #)
Though she is not exclusively speaking about being queer, Machado expresses the idea that also being able to live openly as a queer person is ultimately at someone else’s whim such as how same sex marriage was only made legal in 2015. The right to live authentically and openly can be too easily taken away from another group of people.
In On Earth Were Briefly Gorgeous, Vuong explores the different dynamics within queer relationships that vastly differ from straight connections. Before and even during the twentieth century, queer relationships were meant to be hidden and secretive. In modern media we see an openness emerging but at the expense of potential false depictions. When looking at heteronormative literature and media, there are several examples of what a relationship could look or feel like. When looking at queer media and literature there are repetitive stereotypes and dynamics that are poorly explored. Queer texts rarely have “happy endings.” Many relationships that are depicted often include turmoil or continue to perpetuate the idea that a queer relationship rarely ends with the longevity of a relationship or one that ends in success. In 2017-2018, there was a movement for modern media to stop portraying queer relationships that end in the death of one character with shows like The 100 being the first to be held accountable. Alongside this movement, there was a call to stop killing off queer characters in these shows. There is a cycle of queer relationships in the media that motivates the idea that success within a queer relationship is rare.
Outside the heteronormative dynamic, there is also the potential for queer relationships to feel the pressure of succeeding within a relationship despite knowing it may not be the healthiest one. Inside the queer community, there is a similarity between everyone and everyone has different stories. There is a certain bond that queer relationships whether platonic or romantic that carry a heavier weight. The dynamic of a queer relationship often feels heavier and more intense due to the bond that came before the romantic connection. In attempts to hold something steady, queer people and more often queer youth, continue to stay in turbulent relationships in fear of losing that attachment. Vuong writes “Because the sunset, like survival, exists only on the verge of its own disappearing. To be gorgeous, you must first be seen, but to be seen allows you to be hunted” (Vuong 238). Vuong expresses the desire to be open and truthful but the weight of perfectionism living as a queer person is a difficult reality to adjust to. As a member of the community, you are expected to have everything about yourself figured out in the chance that somebody else will define that for you. When you have these personal expectations placed upon you, it is difficult to allow yourself to be flawed with your person. Not being as secure in your sexuality or within yourself could cause disruption within the relationship, especially if one person is not out. There are heavier expectations that drive a queer relationship to be ideal and in the process can drive it to be destructive.
Lee Edelman writes in No Future “We experience social reality, but only insofar as it compels us to experience that reality in the form of a fantasy” (Edelman 8). There is a certain fantasy that all queer people may experience or dream of that is similar to ones of a heterosexual relationship but it is important to recognize that queer relationships may never function the same way straight relationships function. However, the idea of queer failure in relationships also leaves space for individuality within these relationships. They may not look the same as heteronormative ones but they also allow for positive change and a unique bond that can not be replicated. There is space to create something that is entirely your own and no room for others to define it for you. Queer failure brings about the possibility for a space that has room to grow, diversify, and can change societies perspective on the traditional routes of a relationship.
Works Cited
Edelman, L. (2004). No Future. https://doi.org/10.1215/9780822385981
Halberstam, J. (2011). The Queer Art of Failure. Duke University Press.
Machado, C. M. (2020). In the Dream House. Serpent’s Tail.
Vuong, O. (2021). On Earth, We’re Briefly Gorgeous: A Novel. Penguin Books.