The Meaning Behind Warsan Shire’s “For Women Who are ‘Difficult’ to Love”

By: Sarah Tibbitts

Edited By: Samuel Line

Warsan Shire is a Somali British poet and writer. She has an impressive collection of works including two chapbooks, Teaching My Mother How to Give Birth and Her Blue Body, as well as a full-length debut poetry collection, titled, Bless the Daughter Raised by a Voice in Her Head. She also has collaborative music-video-performance-poem with Beyoncé on her Lemonade album. 

  Her poem, “For Women Who Are ‘Difficult’ to Love” is a piece of friendly advice, to both women and all people who are seen as ‘difficult’. The Shire reading the poem aloud sounds soft and intimate, as if she is whispering the words. Perhaps she is wanting you to feel as though she is near, knows you, impersonating your inner voice, but doing so kindly. It creates the feeling like we could use her words to console ourselves, make us feel that it is okay in the end. In sum, she talks about a man who couldn’t love her, wanted to change her, and what to do if you find yourself in the same position.  

The beginning four lines tells us what we are: “a horse running alone. . . an impossible highway. . . a burning house.” (1-4) All of which are agents of freedom, symbols that are hard to control for better or for worse. Then, “He” is introduced into the poem on line two as the antagonist trying to tame you. The immaterial “He” personifies inconsistent and conditional kinds of love. Now, a pattern of contradiction is to follow. He says, “he could never leave you/forget you/want anything but you,” then promptly rejects those endearing words for now you “dizzy him” and “are unbearable.” (6-9)  

He is a vampire feeding off all that you are. Shire explains it as, “his teeth ache with the memory of taste/his body just a long shadow seeking yours.” (13-14) It is not in the sense of folklore, but in the way he pulls from you, making you less than you are. Her paranoia to his achy teeth and sinister form shows his vampiric nature.  

The lines following state, “you are always too intense/frightening in the way you want him/unashamed and sacrificial.”  Here we can see the Shire putting into words the negative things you might tell yourself as a result of the kind of unhealthy relationship she has laid out.  To be told you love in the wrong ways because of your shameless intensity is shattering.   

However, Shire is quick to sympathize with us by asking, “you tried to change, didn’t you? Closed your mouth more/tried to be softer/prettier/less volatile, less awake” (20-24) She speaks about it as if from personal experience, highlighting the parallels of reader, author, and character. This raw sort of relationship between her and the audience is the undercurrent of her writings. Still no matter what we change, restricting ourselves to imitations of soft petty things can’t make someone stay, especially not to the detriment of ourselves. Shire follows up with another question to us and asks in a somewhat comical way “what did you want to, do love/split his head open?” (27-28) 

 or how far would you go to make them stay? She ends the poem with two powerful pieces of advice. First, the crowing line of the entire poem, “You can’t make homes out of human beings/someone should have already told you that.” (29-30) People are not all you need to live and putting all your faith and hope into them is a mistake. While doing so may leave you worse for wear it can still be looked upon as a moment to grow from. And the second, “you are terrifying/and strange and beautiful/something not everyone knows how to love.” (33-35) The last line closes the poem warmly, and you get a lasting sense of reassurance. There is someone who will love you for who you are, not for who they want you to be. 

 

“For Women Who are ‘Difficult’ to Love” – (“The Affirmation”) 

 

you are a horse running alone 

and he tries to tame you 

compares you to an impossible highway 

to a burning house 

says you are blinding him 

that he could never leave you 

forget you 

want anything but you 

you dizzy him, you are unbearable 

every woman before or after you 

is doused in your name 

you fill his mouth 

his teeth ache with memory of taste 

his body just a long shadow seeking yours 

but you are always too intense 

frightening in the way you want him 

unashamed and sacrificial 

he tells you that no man can live up to the one who 

lives in your head 

and you tried to change didn’t you? 

closed your mouth more 

tried to be softer 

prettier 

less volatile, less awake 

but even when sleeping you could feel 

him travelling away from you in his dreams 

so what did you want to do, love? 

split his head open? 

you can’t make homes out of human beings 

someone should have already told you that 

and if he wants to leave 

then let him leave 

you are terrifying 

and strange and beautiful 

something not everyone knows how to love.