2020 has not been a kind year to anyone, myself included. My longest personal struggle this year was developing an eating disorder. While I should be much healthier in theory by going from obese to an average weight, the method by which I achieved my goal has wrecked both my brain and body. The way a mental illness like this can threaten one’s life and wellbeing is a horrifying and dangerous ordeal.
In this final project, I depict the feeling of struggling with body image, and what it feels like to be at war with one’s own body. At first, I went for a more literal approach with the symbols of my daily life of disordered eating, using scales and measuring tape as props. However, I realized I preferred a more indirect approach with more focus on me, my body, and the space it inhabits. By playing with lighting, small spaces, body language, and more subtle hints at the underlying issue of disordered eating, I expressed both the pain of starvation and self-hate as well as the hope in recovery and self-acceptance. These two are often at war with each other in my mind, so I mixed these two opposite sides of thought into an experience of both hope and despair. Additionally, I chose to wear a gothic lolita style costume to both show grieving and sadness as well as expressing my own sense of fashion and aesthetic, something that helps me feel more comfortable with showing my body to begin with. As a result of this project, I was able to become more confident in being photographed, a challenge I have struggled to overcome all year.
